People who know me instantly understand the title of this blog, but others may wonder why it’s called Grief and Cigars.
When I started this blog, I played around with a few different names, but none of them felt right.
Grief seemed like a natural component because that’s what all of us are trying to process when it comes to the loss of our kids. The cigar came in, not just because I like cigars – although I do like cigars – instead, it’s because many times when I am thinking about my son, I am also smoking a cigar.
Honestly, there were many nights when sitting on my back deck, thinking about my son, listening to the playlist from his funeral, and smoking a cigar were the only things keeping me sane. I’ve always liked cigars, but on those nights, they were more like a lifeline than a hobby.
It’s tough to think about those nights. But every parent who has lost a child knows what they are like. They just hurt. So many questions have no answer.
- Why the fuck didn’t he call?
- Why couldn’t I be there to help?
- Why the fuck is he gone?
When your heart is hurting and your head is in that place where there are no answers, it helps to step back, take a puff, and just sit with the moment. There isn’t a damn thing that can change the past, but smoking a cigar helps make the present a little bit more enjoyable.
Also, I wanted a title that reflected a place where men who have lost a child could come together and feel welcome. A lot of the imagery for grief looks like like sunshine and meadows. Just look at the books in the bookstore on the subject. But I think that pictures of grief should also include cigars, bourbon, and slow smoked BBQ. I think that is a more authentic picture of grief for myself and the men I know.
So that’s the reason that I decided to put cigars into the title.